It's not you; it's me. Really

This is really 'Complicated....part deux'

As an adult, I know I should be able to pick up the phone and call you. As friends, we should be able to move beyond this. And I can. We can.

But.

It won't be sincere. I'll call and we can talk and I will either not bring it up or skim it so lightly that it won't even seem like it was part of the conversation. We will do our surface surfing until we ride out the wave through to calmer waters. But in my mind, I will still wonder what happened. I will still wonder why we didn't talk this week. I will wonder what changed and when it did so. I will wonder what it is that you do at home and whether you're alone or with someone else.

And all of these things I will wonder and never say partly because I don't know how but mostly because I don't really want to know. If the answer is what I imagine it might be, then...well...I don't know. I don't know what I'll think next or say. I haven't allowed myself to explore the possibility, and I don't want to. And honestly, all of these thoughts seem a bit misleading. It's not that I don't want to know because I'm so in lve with you and am afraid to end up broken-hearted. That's not it at all. I dont want us to be an us. We both know that's not a good idea. That's not the issue. It's hard to explain. That's what makes it complicated. As my friend, I exposed you to my mental and emotional exhibitionism. My filters were gone and you saw all of me. So when it becomes complicated, I'm exceptionally vulnerable and that, along with my personal issues, is not a good combination. I know it's a problem I need to work out within myself. Still, I can't do complicated. Not with you.

So when I say I don't do complicated, I'm not being snotty or elitist. It's the exact opposite. It's vulnerability that I'm not quite sure how to handle. It's these lingering self-worth issues that I am only now starting to defeat. When we're just friends, these issues dont exist. When it's complicated, these issues take center stage.

So when I say I don't do complicated, I don't. And although it may have started with something you said or did, it's really because of what I allow myself to think later. I've been acting as my own therapist for a while now.

And my therapist says it's not you, it's me. Really.

It's Complicated.

I want to start out with this one true statement.

I DON'T DO COMPLICATED

My life is pretty simple. I'm one of those people who actually means what they say. I don't always say what I should, but if I've said it, more likely than not, I actually meant it. So when I get to that point in life where I can't find the right words to say what I mean, or if I can't figure out what I want to say or what I think I should say or whether I should say anything at all...that's complicated. That's a problem.

By nature, I'm a certified busy-body. I love summer, which, by its nature, is full of busy-ness. Summer is when I get my ADD in full swing and get in tune with my inner gypsy. I'm all over the place. It works for me. I love summer. Winter, on the other hand, is not my cup of tea. It's okay for a few weeks because I get to settle down for a bit and recover from myself before it starts again. After a few weeks, I'm rejuvenated and over it. Time to move on.

The seasons in my life are summer, almost summer, drifting summer and winter. Between the USA and South Africa, I get summer for almost 10 months. Right now summer is in full swing in SA and its cold in the USA. This week I went home. For a week. In winter. Maybe it was the sudden change from summer to winter. Maybe it was going home and working instead of being on vacation. I don't know, but something weird happened. I got slammed with complication. And I don't do complicated.

I don't know what happened or when it happened or why it happened. I'm guessing it was something I said or did. It usually is. I do know that conversation was barren. I can't remember what happened. Did we eat or have drinks? Were we alone or with others? Did you leave and come back? Where were you? Where are you? I've called and left messages and sent emails and texts. Did you not get them? Did I dial the wrong number? Are you not speaking to me? Or is this relationship-that-wasn't commandeering the conversation that I'm straining to hear?

You see? This is complicated. When we were just friends, there was no complication. When we were just friends, you didn't just stop speaking to me, regardless of what I'd said or done. When we were just friends, I could ask you all of these questions that I would have never had to ask when we were just friends.

So does this now mean we aren't friends? That was the goal right? To always be friends. Did we miss that mark? Or am I the one making this complicated?

I don't do complicated. If we're friends, I should be able to just pick up the phone and call you so we can talk about it and put it behind us right? Just address it and move on. That's what I would do if we were any other friends. So why don't I? Well, because it's complicated.

And I don't do complicated.