It's not you; it's me. Really

This is really 'Complicated....part deux'

As an adult, I know I should be able to pick up the phone and call you. As friends, we should be able to move beyond this. And I can. We can.

But.

It won't be sincere. I'll call and we can talk and I will either not bring it up or skim it so lightly that it won't even seem like it was part of the conversation. We will do our surface surfing until we ride out the wave through to calmer waters. But in my mind, I will still wonder what happened. I will still wonder why we didn't talk this week. I will wonder what changed and when it did so. I will wonder what it is that you do at home and whether you're alone or with someone else.

And all of these things I will wonder and never say partly because I don't know how but mostly because I don't really want to know. If the answer is what I imagine it might be, then...well...I don't know. I don't know what I'll think next or say. I haven't allowed myself to explore the possibility, and I don't want to. And honestly, all of these thoughts seem a bit misleading. It's not that I don't want to know because I'm so in lve with you and am afraid to end up broken-hearted. That's not it at all. I dont want us to be an us. We both know that's not a good idea. That's not the issue. It's hard to explain. That's what makes it complicated. As my friend, I exposed you to my mental and emotional exhibitionism. My filters were gone and you saw all of me. So when it becomes complicated, I'm exceptionally vulnerable and that, along with my personal issues, is not a good combination. I know it's a problem I need to work out within myself. Still, I can't do complicated. Not with you.

So when I say I don't do complicated, I'm not being snotty or elitist. It's the exact opposite. It's vulnerability that I'm not quite sure how to handle. It's these lingering self-worth issues that I am only now starting to defeat. When we're just friends, these issues dont exist. When it's complicated, these issues take center stage.

So when I say I don't do complicated, I don't. And although it may have started with something you said or did, it's really because of what I allow myself to think later. I've been acting as my own therapist for a while now.

And my therapist says it's not you, it's me. Really.